Swill

Time to play everybody's favourite game: Swill or Not Swill.  The rules are simple; we will discuss a prominent beverage that is commonly considered disgusting or not palatable and reveal whether or not it is swill.  Hide your taste buds because here we go!

K-Cups
For those of you out there who have not had the pleasure of single serve coffee, Keurig has taken the market and will eventually find you if you don't find it first.  It is pod (K-Cup) based coffee.


Pros: Simple.  Good variety available.  Can taste good sometimes.  Always freshly brewed.

Cons: Whether it is a small, medium, or large serving you use the same amount of coffee.  Some pods taste great and others don't.  Pre-ground coffee is never a good thing.

Verdict: Overall incredibly variable and not a great coffee standard, but not disgusting.  NOT SWILL.


Boxed Wine
Modern winemaking and creative marketing is now providing a greater quality of boxed wines than your mother's Franzia.  Traditionalists are being challenged to bring something new to the table and rethink containers and closures.

Pros: You get four f-ing bottles per box!  Also, the spout releases wine but does not allow for air to get in so there is no spoilage.

Cons: Overall quality is geared towards people who don't really care about overall quality.  Mass produced, machine harvested, one-dimensional wines.

Verdict: The average boxed wine is becoming more and more palatable.  We will see more and more impressive wines coming in boxes as the advantageous closures will prove too convenient to ignore.  Although there is some disgusting stuff out there, we are in a new boxed wine generation that is NOT SWILL.


Instant Coffee
Folgers, eat your heart out.  Starbucks is in the market and has a fancy Italian-sounding name for their instant coffee.   If it's your coffee on the go, make sure you always carry scalding hot water around with you.

Pros: Comes in real coffee-like flavours.

Cons: What they don't tell you is that ANY coffee with hot water is instant coffee.  Hmm...

Verdict: I'm glad that Starbucks has provided an alternative to their terrible coffee.  SWILL.


Frappuccino
This coffee-like beverage is cream, ice, sugar, and coffee, all blended together in a milkshake like process and capped off with whipped cream and chocolate.  Just like getting a giant soda at your local fast food joint, they give you a huge straw so you can get fat faster.

Pros: Spell check did not even question frappuccino.  Yummy dessert.  Comes in many different flavours.  Dome lid allows you to eek out more sugar and cream.

Cons: Has the option of being served 'light' without any real food-like ingredients.

Verdict: Just like you don't consider coffee ice cream as a comparison to a cup of coffee, a frappuccino cannot be considered coffee either.  Given that lens, it is NOT SWILL.


Store Label Liquor 
I don't know how they found it, but this bottle of gin has the same name as my local liquor store!

Pros: Gets you drunk, and how!  It's cheap.  It must be good because the guy standing outside the store who asks you for change likes it.

Cons: Gets you hungover.  It is made so cheaply that there is extra money to spare customizing the label.  When you ripped off the label there is another one behind it that says rubbing alcohol.

Verdict: The cheaper the liquor and wine, the more impurities there are in the alcohol.  You will feel it for the next day and forget how to do math.  SWILL.



Sangria
This classic drink is made by taking low quality red, white, or pink wine and infusing it with a plethora of fruit, sugar, and brandy.  The recipes vary, but it is often served in a larger glass with the wine soaked fruit.

Pros: You get to mix hard alcohol with wine and no one thinks twice.  Great for an aperitif, summer day, suburban housewife, or gay friend.  You get drunken fruit as a byproduct.  Also, if you want to drink something by the pitcher, then this is your thing.

Cons: Often made with terrible wine, which is hard to hide, even with brandy.  Also, blamed more for insane behaviour and hallucinations than absinthe.

Verdict: Sangria has a bad reputation but is super trendy.  You also get big respect for taking it seriously.  Try ordering one at a crowded bar and see how many get made in the next five minutes.  Sangria is delicious and NOT SWILL.


Back Country Moonshine
Your cousin Jed and his buddy General Duke are hitchin' up their overalls and using the finest tree bark and pigs feet to jar you a fine lot of drinkin' juice.

Pros: The good kind of blindness.  Ain't a funner time to be had on this side of the Mississippi.  The jar can be used to spur an instant hootenanny. 

Cons:  Crap!  It's the Cops!!   Run for it!!!

Verdict: All of our finer liquors started out this way.  At least, that's what I'd like to think.  Unfortunately, aside from the rich tradition of hooch brewing, there are few redeeming qualities.  You are not drinking this for the taste, therefore it has to be SWILL.


Sweet Wine 
This ain't your grandma's Riesling.  Sweet wine has been pigeonholed as being terrible or unnecessary but there are so many transcendent and remarkable sweet wines of various styles that they must be tried to understand.

Pros: Great with blue cheese.  Or any cheese.  Mmm...cheese.

Cons: Sweetness is also associated with a variety of wine-like beverages in wine-shaped bottles with wine-sounding names.  Also, sugar in wine is linked to worse hangovers.

Verdict: The greatest wines in the world do not have to be dry, nor do they have to be full of alcohol.  Just take a chunk of cheese, a bottle of Sauternes, and call me in the morning.  NOT SWILL.


Gas Station Coffee
If you choose to drive across the country in three days, I defy you not to do so without stopping by a Flying J or Mobil station and grabbing a cup of three-day-old coffee.

Pros: Keeps you awake.  Comes in many flavours.  Self serve.  Powdered creamers are free.

Cons: Should come with a bathroom, but doesn't.  Smells like bowling alley to me, which is probably a combination of grease and smoke.

Verdict: A necessary evil of the road.  Unavoidable and entirely SWILL. 


Two Buck Chuck

Literally Franzia in a bottle, as it is owned and produced by the infamous boxed wine producer. 

Pros: Why buy a bottle of wine when you can buy a case for the same price?  Also, it is made from grapes.  Or so we're told.

Cons: Transportation costs turn it into three to four buck chuck.

Verdict: Two Buck Chuck has gained great acclaim for being barely acceptable as wine.  If what we eat is barely acceptable as food, then this is the pairing for it.  SWILL.

Wedding Wine
As a wine guy, people ask me often what I think of the wine that is served at weddings.  My answer is that I stick to liquor and beer.  Also, be wary of that champagne toast because it is usually a sugared up glass of soda water and grain alcohol.

Pros: The bartender can serve quickly out of those larger bottles.  Suddenly, you can dance.  The quality of wine matches perfectly with your rubbery steak and instant potatoes.

Cons: Uncle Joe is passed out in the bathroom.  Impromptu speeches by the bachelor party.  You're hitting on someone that you find out later is related to you.

Verdict: It is criminal what those caterers and event halls get away with.  If you love your family and friends, don't do that to them.  SWILL.


Dunkin Donuts Coffee 
Here, we're not only talking about the quality of coffee, but the tradition of dressing the coffee with cream and sugar.  For those of you who are uninitiated to the New England cafe traditions, go into a Dunkin Donuts and ask for a touch of cream and a bit of sugar.  Watch anxiously as they add a mere three ounces of heavy cream and four tablespoons of sugar.

Pros: You don't have to taste the coffee.

Cons: Diabetes.

Verdict: You can ask for the coffee black but it tastes like cigarettes and cardboard.  SWILL if you do, SWILL if you don't.



Pink Wine

Interestingly enough, I have heard that in certain cultures white wine is considered feminine so the gentlemen drink pink wine instead.  Rose is serious winemaking.  Rose Champagne is usually a step up from the normal Brut.  And all red grapes can make rose so there are an incredible variety of styles.  The alternative is wine that has to use a color to excuse or explain it's pinkness, e.g. White Zinfandel or Red Chardonnay.

Pros: It is good wine and more often than not it is cheap.  Perfect for simple enjoyment but you can plan a meal around it.

Cons: Someone just poured red wine into your white wine glass.

Verdict: Embrace pink wine and you will be rewarded more often than not.  NOT SWILL.


Wine Not Colored Red, White, or Pink
Be wary.  Wine may be a loose term in this case.

Pros: Blue tastes good.

Cons: Colors your tongue.  And intestines.

Leave the rainbow to cocktails, Judy Garland, and skittles.  SWILL.



Frat Party Punchbowl
A community cocktail served in an inflatible pool never sounded so good.  With enough overproof rum and roofies, you know it's inevitable that someone ends up swimming in it by the end of the night.

Cons: You can't remember anything that happened last night.

Pros: It's probably best that you can't remember anything that happened last night.

Verdict: Incredibly dangerous, but there's so much Hawaiian Punch and Country Time Lemonade that you can barely taste the alcohol.  NOT SWILL.